Biggest Update Ever

It's been a while but here is where I've been.

Last thursday mandy and I cruised along to a morrissey night in San francisco. Newcastle brown on tap was both a good and bad sign! I decided to relax with a few, but the club was busy and people were encroaching on my personal space, and my newly found beer personality reared its ugly head.

People kept trying to put their coats on the back of my chair, so I kept throwing them on the dancefloor. People were not pleased. some money fell out of one persons coat (one dollar) so I decided to write on it, nice and big, "I FOUND THIS, YOU SHOULD BE MORE CAREFUL" the dollar bill then proceeded onto the dancefloor, with the coat but not in the coat. I feel old when I go to clubs these days, and I dont have time for youthfulness, especially if it means touching me on the back. I mean, would you just walk up to some random stranger and put your coat on the back of his chair?

My future brother-in-law-in law told me the next day I had also been a bit "punchy" Great. Morrissey usually brings out the sensitive side of me, but not tonight my love!

At Easter, Mandy and I drove down to see her sister in porterville, about 3 hours away. Mandys sister is about to give birth any day to twins, so we thought we would offer some support before she never gets another wink of sleep.

Porterville is a farming town, largely made up of orange groves, nut trees and olive trees. So there isn't an awful lot to do.

We got back and I had the trots just like the dog that came in my shop! Karma is a bitch. I Didn't do it on the carpet though. It was my first sick day in about 6 years. I got back to work the next day, and no internet!!!
ARGH that means that the three spare hours in my day I had to fill up by reading the newspaper, avon catalogue, books from lost and found, you get the picture.
Still no internet today!!

The playoffs started (ice hockey) Go sharks.

Best of all, on sunday was the Make faire. A sort of "Burning man" meets silicon valley. Tons of weird people there. people who make bikes out of wood, a couple who have an enormous CNC machine in their house, just because they like to carve wood. A guy who created Bend Over Bear, a stuffed toy, which when an object is inserted in his rectum, he says rude stuff. A guy who created his own nightvision goggles.

Ive never seen so many beards, sandles, and hippy children in my life. Did I mention Segway Polo? 100 mpg cars? musical instruments from childrens toys?

Apart from the weirdy beardies, it was just like the world had opened up their collective sheds and garages so we could see what people get up to when they have too much time on their hands.
http://makezine.com

That came out of a Westie?

One of my least favourite customers brought her dog in today, it then proceeded to take a massive dump on the carpet.

I haven't laughed so much in ages. Just to see the posh bitche's face (both dog and owner), as she grovels for forgiveness. "She's never done this before!!!"

I wanted to say: "don't worry, all the thanks I need is to see you get down on your knees and pick it all up"

It was like god heard my evil prayer. I wish I had a camera.

Ikea

I always get excited to go to Ikea, because it is a big place with lots of nice looking furniture. However, it's always packed with people who dont know where they are going. and students.

Also, I own 2 major pieces of furniture that came from Ikea. My computer desk, and my dining room table. Can I sit on a chair cross legged at these tables? Can I buggery.

I thought Swedes were all enormous? I'd like to see An enormous blonde try and cross their legs under one of these monstrosities.

Does anyone remember when it was uncool to get your furniture from MFI, 'cos it was all flatpacked? So how does Ikea get off with that one?

I think the head honchos at MFI sat down and said "listen guys, we just aren't cool, our sales have plummeted, what can we do to get back to business?"
"I know, Europe is cool right now, lets just pretend to be Swedish, and re-badge everything with silly names like 'korbish' and 'shvidki' ! " "capital idea Barry, lets roll"

Mitch Hedberg

I dont know if this comedian's work has made it as far as England, but this guy is rather funny.

Here are some samples of his jokes:

I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut 'em up!"


I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" And then he said, "How many of you feel like animals?" The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question.

"I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed."

I saw this wine-o, he was eating grapes, I said "dude, you have to wait."

"I like an escalator cause it can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an Escalator Temporarily Out of Order sign. Only an Escalator Temporarily Stairs."

“I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.”


Lazy post, but made me laugh pretty hard.